Following the heart to Malta
“It’s better to know and be disappointed,
than to never know and always wonder”
After being in a relationship for over two years -with ups and downs- we decided to break up. A part of this decision came from the fact that I booked a single ticket to Australia without discussing it first.
I had a thought in my head: I wanted to cycle through Australia (we all know that story). In his eyes egocentric, but for me the best choice I have ever made.
I had a feeling that I had to do this and reacted to it.
After a lot of deep conversations and some time apart, we decided to wait for each other. I would do my thing in Australia and after that, I would fly to the island Malta; where he had found himself a job.
“Words are more simple then the actual act”
Having a long distance relationship takes optimal communication and a patience of gold.
Knowing that this was going to be hard at times, i forced myself to work on this behaviour. As personal growth. Because I knew -just like everyone around me does- socialising over the phone and having patience weren’t my strongest points.
For the reason that we were in different timezones, I couldn’t expect to get a reaction as fast as I wanted to and I wasn’t able to reach out when I needed it. One was cycling from town to town without any time pressure, while the other one had a working schedule and had to adjust to that.
Since there was no body language or a simple touch (oxytocin), I learned that it’s extremely importent to choose the right words and timing. No underlying thoughts circling through your mind and the intension of really wanted to understand each other. It is accepting the situation where you -unfortunately- not totally in controle of.
I always found it hard to trust someone by word. Still, I did it.
Sadly, this was a lesson to myself where I have to deal with during this present time.
Maybe this hard lesson came with the choice I made by going to Australia.
Every positive has a negative. Like no black without white, and no light without darkness.
“A year is long. Maybe to long”
A year of two individuals living in totally different worlds (and timezones).
Two souls who are starting a new life apart from each other, both leaving there own country.
Two souls who meet new people, different cultures and experiencing emotions and learning how to deal with them.. alone.
Afterwards it was naive maybe. Or to optimistic.
Funny fact, I am a hopeless romantic after all.
Everything that I owned was packed in bags and I put my motorbike up for sale. I was ready to leave Holland again and to start this new challenge in Malta. Finally we will be together, I thought. Everything will be fine now.
I felt a lot of things while I saw the island coming closer and closer through the window seat.
Enthousiastic when we landed.
Anxious when I got my bags.
Nervous while I went though security.
But relieved when I saw his face.
He took some time of work to show me around, get used to each other again and simply to spend time together. We drove around to see his favourite places. We swim, dove and ate.
The island was more beautiful then I imagined and I could see myself living here for at least the next year.
.. Unfortunately, it all came to an end real quick.
Within less then a week I left the house and booked myself an hotel. Unless the bad ending of the relationship, I didn’t want to leave the island with this unfinished, angry and sad feeling.
So, after a peptalk of my beloved brother I decided to explore the island for a few days. As a tourist this time, not as a sevilion.
From the area Mellieha I went to St. Pauls Bay, where I took some tours. This brought me to a fish market in Marsaxlokk, the cave Bleu Grotto and some beached nearby.
With the ‘fuck it’ attitude I had to mask myself with to enjoy, I decided to go on a boat trip to one of the other island: Comino.
At first I felt anxious and wanted to turn around the moment I saw the couples and families entering the boat. But i forced myself to go.
What else are you going to to? Feels miserable?
Good choice. When we arrived at the island, I went off road and dove around the sides of the beaches and caves. I had all the space and time for myself; just me and the water. It felt great!
On the way back, I met a couple who made me use the open bar to the max. Afterwards, they took me into town to ‘drink my sorrows away’. Just the thing I needed at the moment.
Bless them.
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want
is a wonderful stroke of luck”
– Dalai Lama
I learned a lot during this relationship (especially towards the end). Unless it didn’t worked out, I am proud of myself to spend a whole year waiting for love from someone who lives at the other side of the world. I didn’t know I was capable. I you told me this story a year before, I would have laughed in your face.
I thought it was worth it.
It’s because of this situation I can -still- always look at myself in the mirror, knowing why I did what I did. I didn’t want to walk through life with a returning thought going through in my head..
‘What if..’
I don’t want to overthink the underlying thoughts of the other individual in this part. I know there were lies, I know there were secrets. But for al that counts, that doesn’t matter anymore..
I am proud that I waited for a year
I am proud of my devotion
I am proud of how deep I jumped
I am proud of the effort I put in
I am proud of the lessons I learned from it
And if it was ment to be..
One day after the break up I got a call out of Greece: ‘When can you start at the job?’
